Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
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I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.