I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
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knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Breaking news:
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
the Monday after daylight savings
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.