Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
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Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*