“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
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When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner