You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
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Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.