Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
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hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big