[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
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I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.