People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
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[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I unironically love this joke.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.