Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
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Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?