I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
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You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.