My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
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My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.