me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
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If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.