50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
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Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.