I love the honesty
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When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.