[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
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me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
what’s the point then??
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
the composer