CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
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everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone