COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
You Might Also Like
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
😂😂😂
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
True freaking story!
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.