Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
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i want to work in this restaurant
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault