Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
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[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Living the best life.. 😊
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
when there are deer in the woods
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists