Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
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God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
i- i did not expect this
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Who does Amazon think I am?
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it