I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
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[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
time machine? you mean a clock?
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.