MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Y’all ready for this
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.