How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
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911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.