Does it…does it take 3 days
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Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Body by sandwich.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
When I laugh on my period
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
*puts cutlery down*
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her