Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
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*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
*me flirting
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*