Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
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OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Facebook marketplace is a different world
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds