I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Tony Hawk, age 6
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
🙀🙀🙀😹
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped