Well, that should do it
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My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon