I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
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I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
a fate I wish upon no one
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.