My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
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wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy