Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
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person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon