RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
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“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
g
a
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate