I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
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fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl