Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
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I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car