Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
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Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
My whole life was a lie.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Not😆🤣
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
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