Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
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ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?