Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
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I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.