I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
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Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.