ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
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Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.