Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
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Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
and this one
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*