Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
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I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.