The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
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“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography