I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
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The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again