I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
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Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.