“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
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I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
I triple waxed for this?
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.