me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
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the three branches of government
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*