I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
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*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
What number SPF blocks people?
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company