My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
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Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie