Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
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The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Every BBC series about the universe.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.