🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
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I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Not helping
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
This could be us… but you playing
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”